FYI: This is going to be a self-reflection type post, rather than a fun travelogue post. I will post one of those later. So, if you read further, you have been warned this isn't going to be a whole lot of fun... more of a post just for me... and whoever chooses to read this... lol.
When you find yourself
In some far off place
And it causes you to rethink some things
You start to sense that slowly
You're becoming someone else
And then you find yourself
When you make new friends in a brand new town
And you start to think about settlin' down
The things that would have been lost on you
Are now clear as a bell
And you find yourself
Yeah that's when you find yourself
Where you go through life
So sure of where you’re headin'
And you wind up lost and it's
The best thing that could have happened
‘Cause sometimes when you lose your way it's really just as well
Because you find yourself
Yeah that’s when you find yourself
When you meet the one
That you've been waitin' for
And she's everything that you want and more
You look at her and you finally start to live for some one else
And then you find yourself
That’s when you find yourself
When we go through life
So sure of where we're headin'
And we wind up lost and it's
The best thing that could have happened
‘Cause sometimes when you lose your way it's really just as well
Because you find yourself
Yeah that's when you find yourself.
For whatever reason, this song is on my playlist and it happened to strike me that this fits my life right now pretty perfectly.
A lot of people will joke about how "finding yourself" it just an excuse for people to be lazy. To not have a job, a purpose. To backpack through Europe. Perhaps for some that's true. But I think that for me, the past couple of years have forced me to take a good look at myself and see what is really there. What I really am. To begin to find and accept myself.
I've never done that before. In fact, literally, I've always avoided looking at myself... in mirrors, in photos, in life. I thought that if everyone could forget me, that would be good. Because I never wanted to remember myself.
But now, thirty years later, I'm finding out all these strange and remarkable things about myself. Some of it good and rewarding, some of it just weird and amusing, some of it incredibly embarrassing, and some of it somewhat frightening.
I think, because of several things in my past, that I have never truly loved myself. I always thought that if I loved God and He loved me back, that was all I needed. That if no one ever loved me, if I never loved myself, that it would still be okay. If I loved others enough it would be enough. But it never has been. I've always withheld a part of myself from others, never able to fully trust anyone, fearing so strongly that I would not be loved in return.
I also never wanted kids. It gave me a good excuse to NOT fall in love with guys who DID want kids. I don't know the exact reason why I never wanted kids, but I wonder today if it's because I never wanted kids like myself. I never wanted to pass along my genes, never wanting them to be as ugly and unwanted as I feared I was.
But life is funny and God has quite the sense of humor. If you had asked me when I was 10, when I was 20, when I was 25, even when I was 27, if I would be teaching Korean elementary students at 30... the resounding answer would have been NO. And yet, out of all possibilities, this has made me the happiest I think I have ever been in my life.
Meeting other adoptees. Meeting actual Koreans. Living in Korea. Working with Korean kids. While sometimes overwhelming, it's all been healing in a way I never thought I could be healed. In a way I didn't think I NEEDED to be healed. I can't tell you how confusing it felt and sometimes still feels when someone gives me a compliment. I never feel like I deserve it, but I know the polite thing to do is to accept it. I've never believed anyone but my dog would be happy to see me. But my students meet me every day with big grins and a big "Hello teacher!" They always seem to be so happy to see me and at first it was such a jolting and strange experience that I honestly had no idea how to respond. I kept wondering, "Why? Why are you saying hello to me?" But I've been getting better. Little by little.
I've been thinking about my life and how blessed it has been. How many different events brought me to this moment, to this place. How much I've grown from each experience. How confused I felt at each turn, and only in hindsight I have been able to see why.
God Blessed the Broken Road.
My self confidence in high school was zero. I wanted people to like me, so I did all sorts of crazy things to get people to like me. But who likes a person like that?
My senior year of high school, I visited my second choice college once and swore afterwards I would never go to such a school. But I went anyway, even though I was accepted into my first choice. For some reason, at the time I had to decide, I felt this enormous sense of peace about going to my second choice. And I never looked back at my first choice. But I've always found it a strange thing for me to have made that decision. Because I never had a reason.
I met a lot of good people at my university. And I didn't realize this then, but no matter how kind they were to me, I never loved myself, so I never thought anyone else would be capable of doing so either. So when a friend suggested that she and I room together, I didn't understand. I still remember being shocked. To the me that existed then, she was a very vibrant person, with a lot of friends, and could have chosen to room with anyone. Why me?
Katie - if you read this, I know I wasn't the best roommate and I had a lot of problems, but I wanted to say how much I appreciate your friendship, then and now. You'll probably never know how much richer you made my life.
I gained more confidence that year and I think that it was then that I started actually thinking about the future. I never wanted to think about it before because I thought it would be empty. I had no idea what I wanted to do. So I just did things that I thought I enjoyed. So, I studied biology (animals).
I decided to use my summers more effectively and applied to different research programs. I applied to A LOT of different programs and only got into one. I was really disappointed because I didn't really think much of that particular program. Turns out, it was the best program for me. I met a lot of good people and did some good research, but I think that again, the love that I received from the people I met there and the confidence that I gained was much more worthwhile and the real reason why I was sent there.
Erin! I miss you. Let's go swimming at midnight :D :D :D
Multiple things influenced my decision to return to Korea. And I believe I've talked about that already, as well as what happened afterwards.
All of this is to say that recently I've been doing a lot of soul searching. I was very depressed for quite a long time. Unable to communicate. Worried that I wasn't a good teacher. Worried that other people didn't like me. Worried that real Koreans would never accept me. I finally decided enough was enough and decided I needed to get out and DO something. Anything.
In high school, I learned some version of swing dance (I think country swing maybe?). And after college, I went with a guy I liked to a swing dance class. I don't know why, but I've never liked men touching me. Even though I liked the guy, I was so afraid I didn't want to continue the class. I knew he wasn't dangerous and wouldn't hurt me physically and yet I still felt very afraid.
Five years and over 5,000 miles later, I'm living in Korea and was rarely leaving my apartment. I needed to get out and the only thing that sounded interesting was... swing dancing. I needed something to do, and felt like I could try it and see if I was any better than I was.
Swing dancing in Korea! I never dreamed of it. I have met a lot of nice people. Another adoptee too... lol. And, of course... I met someone. I doubt I'll ever meet him again because of various circumstances, but the encouragement and confidence I gained from him and from my students has allowed me to continue swing dancing, start actual Korean language classes (evening) and a willingness to try new things and not be so afraid anymore.
Fear, I have always known, can be debilitating. Especially for me. I always knew and people have always said things like "There is nothing to fear, but fear itself" and other such things, but it's a much different thing to talk about it and to actually do it. Especially when you don't understand where the fear is coming from. But I think I'm starting to work through everything and can someday be the confident person I always dreamed of.
But I know it's not going to happen immediately. One of harder things I've learned in the past year is that I'm a coward. Even when it comes to the important things. I've always been afraid to take the step outside the acceptable. There was a new teacher at my school and she was sitting alone. I thought I would be the big person and sit with her, but when it comes down to it, I did what I thought was expected of me: I sat with everyone else. And something else happened that has made me incredibly ashamed. I saw a woman kicking a young boy (probably around 10 years old). And I just walked by. My heart breaks just thinking about it. But there were a lot of others looking on and not doing anything. I don't know Korean laws and since the others weren't stopping her, maybe she was in her rights. Also, I don't speak Korean so I couldn't have communicated anything if I had stopped her. Those were my excuses. Not good enough. Just not good enough.
I don't want to regret anything anymore. I don't want to be afraid anymore. Even though I don't think anyone can never feel fear, I'm just not going to let it to rule my life as it once did. I'm going to stand up for things that I know are right and not stand for any cruelty. I'm going to do things I'm interested in even when I know I may fail. Even when people laugh at me. Even when I fail, I'm going to keep trying. I'm going to learn to trust people again. Going to let people into my heart, even when I know they may not reciprocate. Going to have the courage to give my heart fully away, when I don't know the outcome.
Living in Korea, I've tried foods when I didn't know what they were made of, gone places I never would have dreamed of going, done things I always wanted to do, but never had the guts to try. Last weekend I took some "adult" pictures (lol, I will show them to you later and you'll laugh), fed and petted a kangaroo and held a python. And next weekend I'm going to learn to surf! Learning to surf in September in South Korea. Who would've ever dreamed? Maybe next I will go bungee jumping or paragliding or zip lining. And I'm not kidding. I've always been afraid of heights, but it might be fun. :D Everything that has happened in the past 2 years have taken me completely by surprise. Not in my wildest dreams did I think ANY of this would have happened. Least of all to ME.
And yet... Here I am.
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